Champagne? Cocktails? Dinner on you to say thanks for being so great? Whose mum would want to be pampered with any of that?

Nah, you don't want to be trying any of this fancy business. You've got nobody to impress and you might as well quit while you're ahead. Your bank balance and your mam will thank you for it anyway.

It's not like any of these places are that great or highly rated either. No one is guaranteed to have fun and even if you did drag her around the capital in search of cocktails and fantastic food, in a couple weeks you'd probably forget what you actually did and have to rely on some blurry photos on Facebook and an awkwardly inappropriate comment from your uncle Jim to remind you.

So really, if you actually love your mum definitely don't treat her to…

Brunch at Pear Tree Café

A lovely dog walk in Battersea park followed by a maple and paprika-spiced bacon bap or a kimchi-laced hanger steak sarnie by the boating pond at Annabel Partridge and Will Burrett's sun-lit Pear Tree Café? Nah, too much effort mate. Just stay inside with a watery cuppa and some tepid beans on toast. Spring's come around but it's pretty chilly out.

Battersea Park, SW11 4NJ;

We mean why would anyone want to spend the afternoon being fawned over in the plush, pink David Shrigley's Gallery at Sketch, one of London's best-loved special-occasion restaurants? Caviar, champagne and macaroons are just the worst – especially if you're celebrating. And as for your mum, are you sure she even deserves that kind of treatment? Hmmm.

From £80 per person - including a glass of champagne; 9 Conduit Street, W1S 2XG;

If you're bitter about your mum having a whole day to herself (pfft, what did she do to get that?), definitely take her to Bar Termini. Termini's negronis are famously bitter and after one or two, maybe she'll get the hint and drop the whole pretence that the 11 March is her day – the one day of the year dedicated to celebrating all those selfless things she's done for you...

7 Old Compton St, W1D 5JE;

Why drag yourself all the way into central to sit down for a delicious meal at Greyhound Café, the beautiful Bangkok-inspired restaurant in Fitzrovia so highly rated by the likes of Jay Rayner et al? You can get Thai food from your local takeaway delivered straight to your door. That's enough to keep mother happy. She loved that lukewarm pad Thai the other week – how much more different is that to some spicy grilled lobster or a plate of mouthwatering beef massamun, really?

37 Berners Street, W1T 3NB;

We're not convinced anyone could have a good time sipping on world-class cocktails 24 floors above the London skyline, looking out on breathtaking views of one of the world's truly global cities. After all, that is an awfully long way up. Keep your feet firmly on the ground and take her to your local 'spoons for a pitcher of Sex on the Beach instead. She'll appreciate that much more, we're sure.

Tower 42, EC2N 1HQ;

All that and still more? Go on then. Check out our recent reviews for more inspiring ideas on where to celebrate Mother's Day in the capital